Is Alison trying to tell us something? (Ed)
Are you struggling to pay the rent? Credit card payments overdue? Still dodging collection agencies? Don’t despair – a lot of us are in the same boat – drifting off to sea, slowly sinking, bailing out water with rusty buckets. With the exception of politicians, Hollywood actors, TV celebs and the Royal Family, we’re all screwed. And if you resort to ‘creative’ measures to get by, that’s okay, everyone else is lying, cheating and hustling too. There’s no such thing as shame any more folks, the good old days are far behind us.
So here we go, you know you’re hitting hard times when…
20. You jump a freight train to get to work, then hitchhike home.
19. You swipe McDonald’s napkins to use as toilet paper.
18. You wait for sales at thrift stores.
17. You’re competing with a former CEO, a Harvard Law graduate and an investment banker for that janitor’s job at the high school.
16. You swing by motels to grab free soap and shampoo off cleaning carts and if you’re lucky you snag a towel and matching face cloth as well.
15. You mix cat food with hamburger helper and the kids love it!
14. You sneak into fast food restaurants to stock up on condiments. Ketchup is technically a vegetable, right?
13. You bump into your bank manager while dumpster diving and fight over a past-the-due-date loaf of bread.
12. You spend the day at the plasma clinic, ‘see kids, free cookies!’
11. Late at night you pick vegetables from your neighbor’s garden and then blame the squirrels.
10. A late model Mercedes with a Domino’s pizza delivery sign cuts you off in traffic.
9. The only doctors you ever see are on reruns of MASH.
8. Your overdue library fees have gone to collections.
7. For a career change you seriously consider the world’s oldest profession.
6. You can’t decide whether to sell your right or left kidney.
5. To save on funeral costs, you bury grandma in the backyard and then report her missing.
4. The guy who stole your identity is begging you to take it back.
3. Your husband asks: “Do we really need both twins?”
2. The local drug dealer is having a ‘going out of business’ sale – 50% off – Everything Must Go!
1. Rich people are getting worried…
And if you’re looking for work in these hard times, here’s a list of the Top 10 Recession-proof Jobs:
10. Sewage treatment workers – the crap keeps on coming!
9. Elected officials – scum always rises to the surface.
8. News anchors – somebody has to constantly ram the bad news down our throats – so do it with a million dollar smile!
7. Beans, rice, and Ramen noodles production and/or distribution – try the recession diet!
6. Unemployment office – everyone else is getting laid off.
5. Street walkers – just be careful not to drift into your neighbor’s patch!
4. Prison guards – at the over-populated, free bed and breakfast.
3. Burger flipping – now a highly competitive field.
2. Teachers – all kids deserve the best edukayshun.
1. And those all-time favorites: undertakers and IRS employees ‘death and taxes.’
And it may not be all that bad. If you ever find yourself about to jump off a bridge and an angel called Clarence steps in to help, you’re either delusional or having a wonderful life!
So all together now: “always look on the bright side of life!”
“Worse things happen at sea you know…cheer up you old bugger!” (1)
(1) Monty Python, “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life,” The Life of Brian.