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Boyd tells good stories…

After our columnist Boyd Clack told how he was released by sword-wielding horsemen on the Kazakhstan border, and gangsters in Chicago when he told them he was a professional actor, here he explains how it got him out of another spot of bother.

I was working in Solva in West Wales, shooting Under Milkwood a few years back.

You’d be amazed what happens in Pembrokeshire

One night, I decided to take a walk along the seafront and my friend Aneurin joined me.

We left the town area, and after an hour or so found ourselves on a moonlit beach. It was then that Aneurin pointed out a large metallic object that seemed to be hovering above us in the starless sky.

 

It wasn’t as simple as ‘take me to your leader’

No sooner had he done so, than a beam of intense white light shot down from the object encircling us where we stood.

I tried to speak, but found myself unable to. Both Aneurin and I were held by some unseen force, and within a matter of seconds found ourselves sucked up by the cylinder of light and drawn into the body of the strange craft.

 

I became frozen as if in a waking dream, unable to move or speak. and the next thing I recall is coming back into conscious awareness strapped to a silver metal tray contraption in a white room.

They should have known better at this sight

I saw Aneurin strapped to a second tray next to me. We were both naked but for a white gown.

I tried to turn my head, but it was held in place by a metal collar. I called out to Aneurin but before he could respond three creatures appeared. They were around eight feet tall with long sinewy arms and legs, bulbous heads and huge unblinking eyes.

The creatures seemed to be investigating us with great interest. They were prodding our bodies.  One of them poked me with a rod of some kind and they made an excited sniggering noise when I complained. Aneurin was crying by this time.

Another time, another planet

I asked them who they were and why they had brought us to this place.

One of them replied in a distorted voice that they were from the planet ‘Orm’, and they were on a mission investigating life forms on other planets.

I asked what they were going to do to us, and he said that their main interest was in the expelling of waste matter by different lifeforms and that they intended to probe our rectums with an artificial arm.

I think I’ll leave now thank you very much

Aneurin became hysterical at this, and began to struggle against the metal bands that held him down.

The two other beings were attracted by this, and I watched as they proceeded to penetrate Aneurin’s anus with the aforementioned ‘arm’, though it was more like a walking stick than an arm in my opinion.

If only the authorities had been around

Aneurin screamed throughout the entire procedure especially when they twisted the instrument to get a clearer view. After an hour or so they finished with him and turned their attention to me.

I told them that I was a professional actor and they let me go.

NOTE: Aneurin was a professional actor too, but had failed to mention it, and he took four days off work citing an inflamed colon. We agreed never to mention the incident to our friends, families or colleagues.

 

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The Eye is edited by Phil Parry. Phil is a former BBC news and current affairs reporter. He is winner of the BT Wales award for journalist of the year, BT Wales TV reporter of the year and radio reporter of the year.

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