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Use your hands for other things

Our columnist Boyd Clack explores the problems for a middle aged man of being approached by women of a certain kind on the internet. 

You always know where you are with certain women

I have recently been receiving notifications from young ladies imploring me to ‘like’ the Facebook page of one of their ‘friends’ normally named Amber or Tiffany. They tell me I will really appreciate it. The women on the pages seem to all be wanton little hussies with pouting red lipsticked lips and ample bosoms. I am told if I wish to see more of them I have to ‘register’ and somehow prove that I am older than 21.

Now, I have nothing against wanton hussies. Indeed I spent the majority of my life pursuing them, but I am an old chap now and these women seem to be young girls to me, and my interest isn’t towards them, no offence meant.

In fact my interest in such things in general has waned considerably so I would ask the friends of these women to stop asking me to ‘like’ their pages.

It is important to look your best

I am sure there are millions of young men out there only too eager to engage with them, and I suggest they contact them.

Ah yes, now that I am at it … Look, I am not the sort of person who responds favourably to being asked to ‘pass’ on some poem or piece of received wisdom from a guru or whatever. If someone genuinely believes that I am not a good friend, then there you go.

No more monkey business with chain letters

It brings to mind those letters they used to send … chain letters … threatening bad luck etc. to those who refused to play ball. Ten years bad luck! Ha! I spit in the face of bad luck.

So please do not ask me to pass any damned thing on, or to respond in any way to such requests. I am a member of THE LEAGUE OF DESTROYED MIDDLE AGED MEN. Bad luck and misfortune is the very air we breathe. Leave me alone to ponder my despair in peace.

Right! That’s it.

So to sum up. NO naughty young ladies’ friends or indeed naughty young ladies themselves tempting me please, and NO requests to pass things on with the threat of dire consequences if I do not.

I trust my requests will be respected. If not demons from hell will devour your eternal souls within three weeks.

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