- Brand values - 9th November 2026
- It’s no joke… - 6th November 2026
- More battle of Midway… - 6th November 2026
As rapist Russell Brand is jailed for 10 and a half years, our satirical writer Edwin Phillips listens to an imaginary ‘pitch’ of a programme idea by him to a Television executive, if he hadn’t been put behind bars.
Russell Brand (RB): I’ve got a good idea for a TV programme.
Television Executive (TVE): Hit me.
RB: Why don’t we have a group of girls in the studio, and I have sex with them all against their wishes?
TVE: Er, I’m not sure that would really work.
RB: Oh, come on. It’s never stopped you before. You’ve always liked my ideas, and you know what I am like. In fact EVERYONE in the industry knows!
TVE: Yes, we all know what you are like, Russell. Your humour is all about sex, and the things you do just come with the territory. Everybody in the business accepts that. However this may be going a tad too far.
RB: This is getting ridiculous. I have had loads of women, and they have all liked what I did, so I went ahead even though they asked me to stop because I knew they wanted it.
For example one girl slagged me off to other people, and said: “…he hurt me and harmed me and when I asked him to stop he didn’t”.
She was begging for it, though, so of course I didn’t stop.
TVE: I’m just not sure this is the right time, Russell.
There are all these things starting to bubble up about so-called ‘rape myths’.
RB: Eh? What ‘rape myths’?
TVE: Well, you know, how a lawyer had said that none of the people who complained about you “resisted, screamed or even tried to leave”.
But the honest answer is people might freeze when they’re being sexually assaulted, so they wouldn’t necessarily ‘resist, scream or try to leave’.
RB: That seems perfectly reasonable. It is 1996 after all, er, I mean 2026!
TVE: Yes, that’s exactly my point, Russell.
We all accept your background, but times have changed, and there is a lot of pressure now.
in fact that comedian and writer, Cole Parker said you were “like a wolf” where women were concerned.
RB: Oh, him…
TVE: Yes him, he said that your attitude towards women was “absolutely deplorable“, and that you would often go from being “very charming to very angry and threatening …”.
RB: This is all complete twaddle. These women WANT it. They enjoy having sex with a celebrity like me, so I use my position to give people what they desire anyway
I like it, and so do they, so everybody is a winner!
TVE: The situation now is just too hot for your material, Russell.
After all we have had the Ministry of Justice (MoJ) saying: “Rape myths have absolutely no place in our courts and victims should never feel as though they are the ones on trial. Judges are already able to give directions to counter rape myths … we will also carefully consider the victims’ commissioner’s proposals as we continue to strengthen protections for victims.”
RB: I don’t give a toss what they think. There’s no such thing as ‘rape myths’!
TVE: Yes, but we have to think about these issues, Russell, and I don’t want my chance of getting a gong being endangered – even the Prime Minister Andy Burnham and others, have got in on the act.
He’s stated that he will look closely at comments by Sir Mark Rowley, Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police, who has said what happened in court came “very close to victim blaming”, and those remarks have been on social media.
RB looks at his shoes, but the TVE doesn’t.
The memories of our Editor, Welshman Phil Parry’s astonishing decades long award-winning career in journalism (which included covering many sex abuse trials), as he was gripped by the rare disabling condition Hereditary Spastic Paraplegia (HSP), have been released in a major book ‘A GOOD STORY’. Order the book now!
