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What happened was shocking

Our satirical writer Edwin Phillips reads a media release promoting a new rock album featuring Johnny Depp, who was labelled a “wife beater” in a UK court for brutal attacks on his ex, when his picture was used by the huge John Lewis (JL) department store in Cardiff and adverts featuring him have appeared on television, yet officials failed to provide a statement explaining the controversial policy.

 

FROM: PUBLICITY UNITED KINGDOM ECHO (PUKE)

TO: ALL REGIONAL STAFF EDITORIAL (ARSE)

TIME: NEVER

You will be delighted to hear, and publicise the fact, that the much-loved star of Pirates of the Caribbean Johnny Depp, is now to be heard in a recording known as a LONG PLAYER, with the immortal line: “i think you’ve said enough for one motherf***ing night”.

It should not, however, be reported by your fine organ that it has been said in the UK press this is a direct reference to Mr Depp’s acrimonious libel battles with his ex-wife, Amber Heard.

The Sunday Times (ST) regrettably said: “Depp blasts away post-courtroom blues with hate song for Heard”.

Unlike the giant department store John Lewis (JL) we at PUKE are keen to give this information IMMEDIATELY.

We understand that JL have continued to use a large picture of Mr Depp to sell Dior’s Eau Sauvage in the perfume department of its Cardiff shop, but officials are, unfortunately, shy of talking about it, because the ONLY response from the JL ‘media relations’ office has been: “Hello Phil, Thank you for your email and getting in touch. We will look into this for you – please could you let me know what your deadline is?”.

Looking into what happened is interesting

This is NOT PUKE behaviour!

It is important exposure for Mr Depp’s new recording, that it was found in a UK court, he had put Ms Heard in “fear for her life” on three occasions – including during a “three-day hostage situation” in Australia in March 2015, where £120,000 worth of damage was caused to their rented home.

Amber Heard – a picture tells a thousand words

The phrase ‘There is no such thing as bad publicity’, has a fine ring to it!

With this in mind, we at PUKE draw your attention to the fact that in the UK libel case, it was found:

  1. In early 2013, Mr Depp slapped and knocked Ms Heard to the ground after she made a joke about his “Wino Forever” tattoo.
  2. In March 2013, Mr Depp flew into a rage while high on drugs and hit Ms Heard so hard he made her lip bleed.
  3. In June 2013, Mr Depp attacked Ms Herd in a trailer at Hicksville – throwing glasses at her and ripping her dress.
  4. In May 2014, Mr Depp screamed at her on a private jet after taking drugs and boozing before kicking her in the back or bum.
  5. In 2014, Mr Depp grabed Ms Heard by the hair, slapped her and pushed her to the ground on a detox trip to the Bahamas.
  6. In January 2015, Mr Depp again attacked Ms Heard while on drugs – this time slapping her and pushing her to the ground. He then stood over her yelling.
  7. In March 2015, Mr Depp launched into a brutal three-day attack in Australia – leaving Ms Heard with a broken lip, swollen nose and cuts all over her body. He trashed the house in a violent rampage and pushed her to the ground, choking her and spitting in her face.
  8. In March 2015 in the couple’s LA home, Mr Depp grabbed Ms Heard in front of her sister and repeatedly hit her.
  9. In August 2015 on the couple’s honeymoon, Mr Depp pushed Ms Heard against a wall by grabbing her by the throat.
  10. In December 2015, Mr Depp chucked a glass decanter at Ms Heard at their LA home in a drug binge. He also slapped her and dragged her through the apartment by her hair – ripping a chunk out. He then hit her again in the back of the head and headbutted her in the face and screamed “I will f***ing kill you”. Mr Depp then pushed her face into a mattress and repeatedly punched her in the back of the head.
  11. In April 2016 at Ms. Heard’s birthday party, Mr Depp assaulted her after receiving “grim news” about his finances.
  12. In May 2016, Mr Depp chucked a phone at Ms Heard – injuring her eye – before pulling her hair and striking her.
‘NOW LOOK HERE JOHNNY DEPP AND JOHN LEWIS!’

We welcome the news that the judge in the UK libel case brought by Mr Depp, dismissed two allegations made by Ms Heard, although he did NOT conclude she had been untruthful. These were that:

  1. In December 2014, Ms Heard claimed Mr Depp was “violent towards” her, and later branded himself a “f***ing savage”. This is, perhaps, appropriate given that the male perfume Mr Depp advertises is ‘Sauvage’.
  2. In November 2015, she said Mr Depp “threw her around the room” and pushed her over a chair.
Silence is NOT always golden…

There are even better PUKE details too – Mr Depp was awarded $10 million in compensatory damages and $5 million in punitive damages by a court in Virginia, over a first-person Washington Post article four years ago from Ms Heard, in which she had claimed she was a survivor of domestic abuse.

This is information that should be shouted from the rooftops, as in using a picture of Mr Depp in JL.

A LOT of money was poured in!

We at PUKE definitely believe that silence is not golden from the official media relations department.

We think they should do more than just look into this” – they should talk about it!

 

 

The memories of our Editor, Phil Parry’s, astonishing 39 year award-winning career in journalism (including immediate responses from Press Offices) as he was gripped by the rare neurological disabling condition, Hereditary Spastic Paraplegia (HSP), have been released in a major book ‘A GOOD STORY’. Order the book now!

Regrettably publication of another book, however, was refused, because it was to have included names.

Being gay is treated as a crime in Qatar

Tomorrow – how even before England’s defeat by France at the men’s Qatar World Cup, Welsh football fans condemned the fanfare around their national team qualifying for a tournament in a country where it is illegal to be gay, it’s feared that thousands of migrant workers may have died in building the infrastructure for it, and amid accusations of bribery to secure the competition in the first place.