- David Cameron To Take Over Swansea Roadworks - 28th February 2020
- Greta Thunberg Action Figure Surprise Christmas Hit - 27th January 2020
- Charlotte Church to Play Gwyneth Paltrow’s Vagina - 14th January 2020
Please see below the main body of text from the Welsh Government’s (WG) latest consultation document. At the bottom of the page is a link to the document itself which has more details on how you can respond.
Background
The Conspiracies Committee was set up in 1999 as a matter of urgency by the then First Secretary Alun Michael to examine the possibility of covering up government activity in devolved areas where it was deemed the public would either not grasp the complexity of national security issues or would object to public money being spent on the practice of feeding thousands of Welsh citizens to rapacious inter-galactic time travelling Nazis in a craven act of appeasement designed to secure ministers a seat on the mothership after the inevitable destruction of mankind.
The Conspiracies Committee has met every second Tuesday of every month ever since but has yet to get to grips with the intractable paperwork involved with mounting a conspiracy in a modern democracy. Because of this, no conspiracies have been discussed in 18 years and Wales now runs the risk of being the only nation in wider Europe with no secretive plans to place the capricious whims of a moneyed elite above the rights of the wider population. To date, the WG has relied on incompetence and or pointless in fighting to achieve this. A state of affairs which any right thinking person knows cannot carry on if we are to hold our heads up on the world stage.
This consultation outlines the Welsh government’s proposed conspiracies which, if implemented, would catapult us into the top tier of international bogeymen for the tin foil hat brigade and that guy you went to school with who is now big on twitter and occasionally tries to get you to sign a petition against pig farming on Mars.
The proposed conspiracies would lead to a streamlining of clandestine operations within Wales and speed up the development of activities including but not exclusively:
- Secret Handshakes.
- Alien abduction denial scenarios.
- Vast underground complexes housing alien and inter-dimensional technology.
- Satanic ritual etiquette training.
- Crop circle compensation schemes.
- The creation of the post of Conspiracies Commissioner.
What conspiracies are proposed?
Random alien abductions.
Official figures show that although sightings of UFOs in Wales far exceed the national average, the number of abductions is far below what would be expected from a nation of three million people. With this in mind, it is proposed that a target of no fewer than 10 abductions a year be set for the first 10 years. It is also proposed to instigate a designated programme of crop circle development featuring the faces of local celebrities.
Satanic Ritual etiquette training.
It has long been a bone of contention that when WG ministers attend international events they are ill-equipped for even the most rudimentary satanic shenanigans. Carl Sargeant (The WG Cabinet Secretary for Communities and Children) was humiliated at a Bilderberg Group away day last year when he didn’t even know which trouser leg to roll up and had to cover up the awkward silence with a Craig Charles impersonation which bordered on racism.
Vast underground complexes housing alien and inter-dimensional technology
In fairness, this one already exists but this proposal would mean the Welsh government would be given a set of keys.
Crop circle compensation schemes
See alien abductions.
Secret handshakes
This would be decided by a simple yes-no referendum.
The creation of the post of Conspiracies Commissioner
If conspiracies lack satisfactory levels of evil, secrecy or a fully costed Welsh language scheme the public must have a means of redress. The Conspiracies Commissioner will have the power to summon witnesses and if necessary suspend all conspiracy activity for a period not exceeding the lifetime of the human race.
Consultation Questions
The Welsh Government is seeking views on the proposed conspiracies and their practical application. In particular:
- Do you agree with the proposed conspiracies?
- Do you have any further comments in relation to the proposed conspiracies?
- Have you considered the extent to which the implementation of random alien abductions will impact on local authorities in Wales?
Next Steps
Following the close of the consultation, all responses will be analysed and any necessary amendments made to the draft conspiracies. A summary of consultation responses will also be published on the Welsh Government website. It is intended that the draft conspiracies will be laid before the National Assembly for Wales so that they can come into effect on or before 31 March 2019.
Please download the consultation document here.
