Childish behaviour

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Edwin Phillips

Edwin is a satirist who writes stories for The Eye.
Edwin Phillips

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Andrea told us all in Cardiff Life what it was like to be pregnant

ITV Cymru/Wales newsreader Andrea Byrne gives us another enthralling update on her baby’s progress, after an extraordinary ‘report’ on the organisation’s website about her holiday with the new child, as our satirical columnist Edwin Phillips reads a glossy magazine pushed through the doors of Cardiff homes, following the ‘information’ about her pregnancy, attending the Tennis Wales award ceremony and her recent trip to Wimbledon.

 

This is such important news

This column is called ‘MUM’S THE WORD’ which is so clever and accurate!

To cheer up your dull humdrum lives, I have given you vital information about baby Jemima in my regular column in Cardiff Life called ‘MUM’S THE WORD’.

Everybody will be interested by the updates I have written in my column called ‘MUM’S THE WORD’, such as:  “First we started weaning her; then she started rolling; and now our baby has teeth”. I told you all about the health spa I went to known as The Vale Resort Hotel and Spa, because I realise you probably haven’t been to one of those.

It will have been absolutely riveting to read:  “My treatment was… divineSeventy blissful minutes… I was in heaven”. I gave you further crucial details, like:  “I can safely say the products used here are some of the kindest on the market when it comes to looking after the health of your nails.” And:  “I was determined to find time to carry on (with yoga) when I became a mum.”

Readers were enthralled to hear that Andrea’s new baby had babbled a greeting to Lee Byrne

I even gave you news about my family life with my hubby the former international star rugby player Lee (Byrne).

You will have been fascinated to read in my column called ‘MUM’S THE WORD’:  “Thanks to dad Lee again, I was so grateful to take 48 hours out to immerse myself in yoga again, in a beautiful coastal setting  alongside ten other like-minded yogis.”

Did you see what I did there? I used my innate natural humour to turn those who practise ‘yoga’ into ‘yogis’! Hilarious!

I offered you nuggets in my column called ‘MUM’S THE WORD’ such as:  “As well as blissfully relaxed, I also felt revitalised and rejuvenated…”.

I realise this will be engrossing information which will light up your dreary world, as when I told you about the hardships of taking baby Jemima on holiday with my hubby the former star international rugby player Lee (Byrne), using my innate natural humour. “Passports, tickets, money and now we can add THE KITCHEN SINK!”, I said in my usual hilarious fashion.

Taking a baby on holiday is a military operation

Going away with a new baby was like a MILITARY ARMY! (to self, not in column) No – I meant ‘operation’ not ‘army’. Sorry.

It was obvious that Jemima had a taste for the ‘high’ life! Or should that have been ‘low’ life. (to self, not in column) No that’s not right either.

Mind you, Jemima was getting into the swim of things! She went swimming on holiday you see, so that is known as a play on words.

My hubby the former international star rugby player Lee (Byrne) had to look after Jemima sometimes, and it will have delighted you all to see pictures of a man with muscles holding a baby because it looks so strange doesn’t it?

It was so wrong. But so right

I think there is a place for a woman and a place for a man. I’m so glad I have taken my hubby the former international star rugby player Lee’s name and I am now ANDREA BYRNE – I simply don’t understand all this independent woman nonsense.

These are such important reports, which is why my colleagues decided they should go on the ITV Cymru/Wales News website. Vital information was published and I repeated it in my hilarious and informative column called ‘MUM’S THE WORD’:  “When she wasn’t sleeping or swimming, Jemima easily attracted quite a holiday fan club. She rocked her pink baby sunglasses wherever she went and there’s little doubt she was the coolest – and I think the cutest – baby in the resort! Though, of course, I may be a just a little bit biased!”.

Former international star rugby player Lee Byrne (middle) shows his teeth in Cardiff Life

I can’t stand those negative whiners who say this is just mindless drivel. Like those alleged personages who said after my extremely significant tweet that the audience at a crucial event had a good time watching my hubby the former international star rugby player Lee (Byrne), doing a Question and Answer session, along with the many important people there. Absurdly they also said it was full of name-dropping, but people like Sian Weather are important!

Vital news…

I know you will all be interested to read the absorbing Cardiff Life sections (obviously apart from my own column called ‘MUM’S THE WORD’!), like the one where we go out and take pictures of people enjoying themselves at well known functions in Cardiff which we have headlined in the past wittily ‘One Shindig At A Time’. They usually have a drink in hand which is so crucial to our photographer!

Ha! Ha!

A little joke there which you may not understand, but of course I did when I used my innate natural humour.

We also have those powerful adverts for properties nobody can ever afford and important features about how to get the teeth whitened for your wedding day.

Andrea is extremely popular

I know by the flood of at least one letter that readers appreciated photographs of me when I was pregnant with baby Byrne (another little joke there which you may not understand), in my widely-read column called ‘MUM’S THE WORD’.

You will also be extremely interested to know that the time I had on my hands meant I could log on to something called ‘the World Wide Web’ or ‘Internet’.

Andrea says her baby ROCKS!

Perhaps you have heard of these.

It gave me a chance to indulge myself as a self-confessed ‘shopaholic’, or someone who enjoys shopping. Perhaps I could always buy some new sunglasses for baby Jemima because as I have told you all in my column called ‘MUM’S THE WORD’, she ROCKS.

Updates in my column called ‘MUM’S THE WORD’ on my baby like these and knowing that my time in a health spa was ‘divine’ will have been captivating for you…

 

 

Book poster

Tomorrow – more disturbing revelations about convicted South Wales fraudster we have exclusively exposed. 

Phil Parry’s memories of his extraordinary 36-year award-winning career in journalism as he was gripped by the incurable disabling condition Hereditary Spastic Paraplegia (HSP), have been released in a major new book ‘A GOOD STORY’. Order the book now!

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