Arts Council of Wales Introduces Compulsory Drug Tests

Fags and booze to be off limits to ACW funded artists.
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The Arts Council of Wales has announced it will be introducing compulsory drug tests for all recipients of funding in the new year.  The ‘Polidori Clause’ will become part of the funding eligibility criteria as the agency falls in line with a more health conscious regime in the Senedd.  John William Polidori was the personal physician of Lord Byron and is said to have administered, amongst other things, laudanum to his guest on their infamous trip to Lake Geneva where Mary Shelly wrote Frankenstein.

Dylan Thomas Permanently Drunk

The use of drugs like LSD by the Beatles and just about everything under the sun by Ozzy Osbourne has led some to believe that mind altering substance give an unfair advantage when used to enhance the creative process.  Many say his outrageously excessive use of alcohol was the main reason Dylan Thomas wrote all those really good poems and that. Especially that one about having to wrap up warm before going out into the night. And that play where everyone’s off their heads or “dreaming”.

Getting smashed and throwing a bit of paint around will no longer be an option.

Pole Vaulters on MDMA

As part of their new initiative the Arts Council has become affiliated to the World Anti-Doping Agency and will be participating in the 2021 CODE REVIEW. Due to the substantially different nature of performance enhancing drugs used in the production of art, their input is likely to prove controversial.  Until now nobody has been particularly worried about sprinters downing half a bottle of vodka before a race because if anything it tends to have a detrimental effect.  Likewise it has not been thought worthwhile banning pole vaulters from taking a combination of Ketamine, MDMA and magic mushrooms on the day they do that jump thing or whatever it’s called.

Urine and Blood Samples

The arts council’s input into article 3: ‘burdens and standards of proof methods of establishing facts and presumptions’ will likely ruffle some feathers.  Until now the standard of proof has involved testing of urine and blood samples but the Arts Council is proposing that people be asked a series of questions relating to the juxtaposition of endemic cultural identity and the homogenising influence of “junk” standards of polyandrogeneity in parasexual work based environments.

A number of artists and musicians have already voiced their objections to the new rules on the basis that they like getting hammered but also like being given money.


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