Fake news

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Real news

Edwin Phillips reads an internal Cardiff University newspaper reporting officially the ‘news’ that over £3 million was spent over five years in severance payments.

Staff have welcomed the extraordinary news that only £3,117,517.38 was spent providing 91 settlement agreements.

 

Numerous members of our staff have come forward to congratulate warmly the university, with men shouting at senior management: “My wife and children want to talk to you!”

Things are extraordinary

The move has obviously been supported widely, as one staff member was reported in that other organ The Eye, clearly voicing his support, by saying: “These figures are extraordinary.

Protests have been staged in support of senior management.

Banners were displayed proclaiming:  “Unbelievable!”.

Computer messages show university’s generosity

Senior management has received many letters and emails from staff alluding to the generosity of the university in offering academic staff voluntary severance.

One even said:  “We are all talking about what you are doing”.

The level of severance payments was also widely reported in the UK media.

This comes soon after other successes in securing press coverage for our university.

This news has been warmly welcomed

On September 13, management was satisfied that The Eye reported the university – the only Welsh institution in the elite ‘Russell Group’ – had advised that it was “offering academic staff a time-limited opportunity to apply for severance under a Voluntary Severance (VS) Scheme”.

The university’s media strategy clearly worked, because five days later WalesOnline reported: “Cardiff University is offering academic staff voluntary severance in a move it says will enable it to focus on strategic priorities”.

Our senior management have been inundated with messages of support from other universities around Wales where staff have welcomed the fact that downsizing is taking place among their colleagues, and want to know how they can emulate our successful media strategy.

Officials are elite

Bangor had said it must make cuts of £8.5 million and unions had stated that 170 jobs could go.

This was inaccurately reported that ‘unions had FEARED 170 jobs could go’.

This was in fact a misprint, and should have read CELEBRATED.

All this to dispense with staff…

The University of South Wales (USW) said the potential number of redundancies it would make following a consultation, had unfortunately dropped from139 to 57 (one per cent of the workforce) due to a voluntary scheme.

Cardiff Metropolitan University was looking to shed 100 staff to achieve millions of pounds in savings over the next five years, and had already saved huge amounts by cutting a number of senior posts.

University finances must be put back on track

Putting university finances back on track by cutting jobs has been greeted with warm approval by everyone affected.

One senior staff member was heard saying:  “I can’t get over what is happening”.

There has been huge attention paid to this news, and it has bolstered the reputation of Cardiff University for smooth transitions of power at a senior level.

This was a huge success

University authorities correctly organised that the comedian Griff Rhys Jones was first offered the role of Chancellor and were happy to see staff prompted into requesting that the high-profile job was given once again to the academic Sir Martin Evans.

Everything went according to plan.

We even organised that Mr Jones was photographed for the press in the ceremonial robes of Chancellor, which will be a welcome addition for our library if he is ever offered the role in future.

There is widespread support

This was all reported in the media, although unfortunately they used the phrase ‘internal civil war erupted’.

As with the news that millions have been spent making people redundant, our far-sighted strategy has been welcomed by staff, who have sent messages to senior management declaring:  “You’ve done it again!”.

Tomorrow – condemnation of the Cardiff councillors who received alcohol, a birthday cake and tickets to the Champions League final, as ‘presents’.

Check your knowledge of today’s events as revealed on The Eye, with our brilliant interactive quiz:

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