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‘We CAN”T use Johnny Depp to sell things!’

Our satirical writer Edwin Phillips overhears a conversation between two executives of retail giant John Lewis, after they used a picture of shamed actor Johnny Depp in their Cardiff store, to sell eau de toilette despite him losing his bid to appeal against a scathing High Court ruling that he attacked his ex-wife 12 times.

 

John Lewis London executive (sternly) – why exactly did we have to use a picture of that man to sell eau de toilette?!

Amber Heard – a picture tells a thousand words

John Lewis Cardiff executive (looking at feet) – well, er, um, he was never actually CHARGED with assaulting his ex-wife Amber Heard.

London (wearily) – yes, yes, I know that is what we TOLD the nosey Editor of The Eye, Phil Parry, but look at the FACTS!

Cardiff (still looking at feet) – er, do we have to?

London (angrily) – yes we DO!

(Appearing to stand taller) remember that the court ruled in favour of The Sun article when Johnny Depp tried to sue the paper for libel.

John Lewis Cardiff perfume department

(Still angry) I’ll even spell out the assaults for you:

  1. In early 2013, Mr Depp slapped and knocked Ms Heard to the ground after she made a joke about his “Wino Forever” tattoo.
  2. In March 2013, Mr Depp flew into a rage while high on drugs and hit Ms Heard so hard he made her lip bleed.
  3. In June 2013, Mr Depp attacked Ms Herd in a trailer at Hicksville – throwing glasses at her and ripping her dress.
  4. In May 2014, Mr Depp screamed at her on a private jet after taking drugs and boozing before kicking her in the back or bum.
  5. In 2014, Mr Depp grabed Ms Heard by the hair, slapped her and pushed her to the ground on a detox trip to the Bahamas.
  6. In January 2015, Mr Depp again attacked Ms Heard while on drugs – this time slapping her and pushing her to the ground. He then stood over her yelling.
  7. In March 2015, Mr Depp launched into a brutal three-day attack in Australia – leaving Ms Heard with a broken lip, swollen nose and cuts all over her body. He trashed the house in a violent rampage and pushed her to the ground, choking her and spitting in her face as he made Ms Heard “fear for her life”.
  8. In March 2015 in the couple’s LA home, Mr Depp grabbed Ms Heard in front of her sister and repeatedly hit her.
  9. In August 2015 on the couple’s honeymoon, Mr Depp pushed Ms Heard against a wall by grabbing her by the throat.
  10. In December 2015, Mr Depp chucked a glass decanter at Ms Heard at their LA home in a drug binge. He also slapped her and dragged her through the apartment by her hair – ripping a chunk out. He then hit her again in the back of the head and headbutted her in the face and screamed “I will f***ing kill you”. Mr Depp then pushed her face into a mattress and repeatedly punched her in the back of the head.
  11. In April 2016 at Ms. Heard’s birthday party, Mr Depp assaulted her after receiving “grim news” about his finances.
  12. In May 2016, Mr Depp chucked a phone at Ms Heard – injuring her eye – before pulling her hair and striking her.

(Grabbing lapels of Cardiff and shaking) that judge dismissed two allegations made by Ms Heard, but did not, in fact, conclude she had been untruthful. These were:

  1. In December 2014, Ms Heard claimed Mr Depp was “violent towards” her, and later branded himself a “f***ing savage”. (Laughing wildly with staring eyes) this is, perhaps, appropriate given that the eau de toilette Mr Depp advertises for us is ‘Sauvage’.
  2. In November 2015, she said Mr Depp “threw her around the room” and pushed her over a chair.
Mr Justice Nicol said that Amber Heard had not been untruthful

(Slapping forehead) in the original libel case last year, the judge Mr Justice Nicol concluded Mr Depp had beaten Ms Heard 12 out of 14 times – starting in 2013 when he hit the actress after she made a comment about his tattoo. He dismissed two allegations made by Ms Heard in 2014 and 2015, but said he couldn’t conclude she had been “untruthful”.

(Rolling eyes) the judge also found Mr Depp put his ex-wife in “fear for her life” on three occasions – including during a “three-day hostage situation” in Australia in March 2015, where £120,000 worth of damage was caused to their rented home. Mr Justice Nicol ruled that Mr Depp attacked Ms Heard 12 times during their relationship, and that The Sun article about the assaults, was “substantially true”.

John Lewis in Cardiff used a picture of a wife beater to sell eau de toilette

(Wearily) another appeal court judge decided that The Sun was right to brand Mr Depp a “wife beater” for those attacks. In March the court ruled Mr Depp’s appeal had “no real prospect of success”.

Cardiff (shuffling feet now and coughing) – er, yes, but, um, he can still sell eau de toilette for us.

London (now even angrier) – NO HE CAN’T!!

(Coughing) do you think I want that berk Parry, talking again about how this could be the terrible culmination of sexism in society generally?!

Is this the culmination of sexism generally for Phil Parry?

(Muttering and to self) anyway we have our own problems to deal with among the media staff, when one of them told Parry on November 11: “Hello Phil, Thank you for your email and getting in touch. We will look into this for you – please could you let me know what your deadline is?, and he answered immediately “ASAP”, but we STILL haven’t given him a statement!.

Cardiff (brighter now) it’s all good for the bottom line though, isn’t it? After all we used a picture of a man labelled a “wife beater”, and that always sells stuff!

(London stares at ceiling)

 

Details of Phil’s astonishing decades long, award-winning, journalistic career (including details from some of the many court cases he has covered), as he was gripped by the rare neurological condition Hereditary Spastic Paraplegia (HSP), have been released in a major book ‘A GOOD STORY’. Order it now!

Book poster

Regrettably publication of another book, however, was refused, because it was to have included names.