- David Cameron To Take Over Swansea Roadworks - 28th February 2020
- Greta Thunberg Action Figure Surprise Christmas Hit - 27th January 2020
- Charlotte Church to Play Gwyneth Paltrow’s Vagina - 14th January 2020
Swansea’s Prince of Wales UNESCO world heritage roadworks has achieved another coup by attracting the world’s first ever live Pac-Man championships to the shores of our lovely second city, we can reveal. The latest stage of the roadworks has seen pedestrians being channelled through an increasingly complex set of barriers designed to test their short-term memory and ability to tolerate enclosed spaces. So far, the barriers have claimed 125 victims with 15 people failing to emerge from minor shopping trips this weekend alone.
Denise Piccolo of Dyfatty told us her friend went missing for five days before eventually being found rummaging through a skip in Penlan.
“She only went in to try out the new launderette and the next thing I know, I’m getting texts and she’s telling me she can’t remember when she last saw a human face. It was pitiful. There was nothing I could do to help her. Look at this one, see, look…
I don’t know where I am Den. How do I find the north star? Is it the big one with the smiley face?
And another one look…
Den, I’ve just drank my own piss. I’m not being funny but I’ve had worse pints.
And this next one…
Den, I’m thinking of eating a toe. I don’t know where I am. If I set fire to my minge, will the helicopters see it?
It’s heartbreaking. And then it all went dead.”
Local political satirist Graham Williams has been missing since last Friday and is feared. He left home in the afternoon carrying a loaf of bread with the intention of dropping a trail of crumbs, secure in the knowledge that seagulls won’t go near an olive and quince sourdough batch with a rosemary glaze. He was last seen outside the Halifax trying to ignite a distress flare with his own teeth.
On the plus side, rumours have begun to emerge of a magnificent civilization deep in the heart of the roadworks possessing undreamt of technology and untold mineral wealth, so there’s that.
The Pac-Man Live championships will begin in October with Swansea Council leader Rob Stewart scheduled to play the red ghost.
