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The Prince of Wales has launched a Cofiwch Dryweryn range of Duchy Originals to pay for the massively expensive and controversial Prince of Wales bridge sign. The Gower lava bread, Caws Teifi shortbread biscuits are available exclusively from the Fortnum and Mason’s food hall in Piccadilly and are a snip at £50 for a 250g tin. They are expected to raise the £200,000 plus in a matter of hours due to Banksy having hand painted every biscuit, using his feet.
Highly Toxic
The biscuits will be completely inedible despite being made with 100% organic ingredients because of the highly toxic aerosol paint used to write Cofiwch Dryweryn on each and every one. The prince hit upon the idea when he was banged up for defacing the sign in the nude last month.
“I was awfully worried about it. I’d been banged up for sticking it to the man and the guard came in and he said I’d ruined a perfectly good sign with my antics. He said it had cost £216,513.39 and now it was going to cost even more for them to get it cleaned and that I ought to be jolly well ashamed of myself parading around like that dropping pubic dandruff on my butler and everything.
Gosh I was like I shall jolly well fix this now in a minute. Because I is Welsh innit, cor blimey. It’s a right apples and pears over by there, begorrah Sassenach. So I thought I would get someone to do something about it. Luckily they let me have a personal assistant in prison as long as I promised to keep my clothes on.”
Prober of the Royal Apertures
The Prince’s PA Bethan Tardigrade’s family has served the state since King John appointed Devenauld Tardigrade prober of the Royal apertures in 1204. In those days PA was a very hands on position but in the last three centuries it has morphed into a more cerebral post with physical contact being limited to the annual Christmas insertion.
Bethan got to work like a whirlwind and immediately commissioned Banksy to design the Cofiwch Dryweryn sign to go on top of the biscuits. Including Banksy’s fee, switching the production line to accommodate a limited-edition flavour, booking space in Fortnum and Masons and securing celebrity endorsement from one of Madonna’s kids the whole thing cost a mere £758,000.
£1.25 Profit
By the time Fortnum have taken their cut and transport costs have been accounted for, plus the licensing issues with Waitrose (who have an exclusive deal on Duchy Originals) have been dealt with, the £200,000 plus they raise will show a decent £1.25 profit. As a gesture of gratitude to “the Wales” the Prince has vowed to make up the £216,512.14 shortfall out of the pubic purse.
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