Edwin Phillips listens as Pro Vice-Chancellor of controversial Swansea University, Hilary Lappin-Scott (HL-S), whose tweets from around the world have enraged staff, tells a colleague about her latest trip.
HL-S: Hello peeps (addressing one person).
I am back.
Colleague: (Appearing to run in opposite direction) that’s strange.
I, and the vast majority of the University faculty, did not know that you had been away
HL-S: (Triumphantly and coughs) yes, well as you would have expected, an academic superstar like me has been in high demand over the summer!
I realise that everybody will want to know what I have been doing.
Colleague: (Muttering to self and giving up running) this sounds like déjà-vu all over again.
HL-S: So many exciting things – where to start?
Colleague: (Sarcastically) the announcement of your resignation from Swansea University would be a great place.
HL-S: (Sternly) I presume that was your attempt at a joke?!
Colleague: (Sighing) you can presume that – the rest of us have to live in hope.
HL-S: Anyway, you will remember the eclipse of the sun back in August.
Well, I was there in the US.
The locals were advised to wear sunglasses and were told that it was to do with the rays of the sun.
Locals were in fact in awe of my company and I strongly believe (grinning) that they were advised to wear sunglasses to stop being dazzled by me!
After literally taking the US literally by storm, I was then literally on the airwaves giving advice on the literally major networks to literally would-be students just before the A-level results literally came out.
For instance, I was interviewed on Xtreme Radio, The Wave, and Swansea Sound.
Some of these networks broadcast as far as Carmarthen so my message and wisdom went out, er, globally.
No doubt one of my followers, Princess Anne (known as ‘Annie’ to me), would have advised young Prince George to listen.
I am sure that, after hearing me, Swansea University will be George’s #1 choice when he comes to decide where to go in 2031.
By that time, ofcourse, I am guaranteed to be Vice-Chancellor and will be able to arrange an appropriate award.
Why bother with an undergraduate degree when I can fast-track him through to get a PhD at the age of 18?
Colleague: (Sighing again) yes, it is rumoured that there is a precedent for such an award (rumours persist at Swansea University that former worker Stephen Chan, exposed as a jailed fraudster by The Eye, was fast-tracked to a PhD).
HL-S: (Not picking up on the irony) I intend to!
Speaking of men here, I should also mention how badly certain women are treated – especially by the male powers-that-be at Swansea University.
As I tweeted recently, there is a long way to go before we address the gender pay gap.
How can I be expected to maintain my important travels around the world, and fashion-orientated life-style on a paltry salary of under £200,000 per annum?
Colleague: (Sarcastically) yes it must be hard.
HL-S: (Ignoring sarcasm) I’ll just finish by telling you about how Hillary (Clinton) wanted to come to meet the real Hilary.
The pretext for her visit to Swansea was, of course, that some of her relations came from around here, and to receive a doctorate.
Note that it has nothing to do with somebody called Steve Chan.
But people-in-the-know (i.e. me, the real Hilary) realise that she may never have heard about my pioneering work in gender, which has been acknowledged by Royalty.
Extraordinary I know.
So she was of course, delighted to meet me.
I did ask her how Monica (Lewinsky) was getting on and at that point she was taken ill poor thing.
I put that down to the excitement of the day and to the very fuggy atmosphere from somebody smoking a large cigar.
Colleague slaps forehead.
Journey to the centre of the sun part two is next Friday, where Hilary Lappin-Scott explains her important lecture at the British Science Festival in Brighton.
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