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In what commentators described as a surprise move Secretary of State for England, Eluned Morgan loaded a panda into a trebuchet and fired it from the steps of the Senedd towards Ikea in a bid to appease Eris, the Primordial Goddess of Chaos. Animal rights groups are said to be extremely distressed as pandas are famous for their hatred of Ikea.
Normally they can’t even be lured with the promise of free refills of tea and coffee with the family card on weekdays. The Animal Liberation Front have since lodged a formal complaint with the Wales Air Ambulance Cross Party Group having failed to secure the 50 signatures required to complain to the Petitions Committee.
The sacrifice of endangered species to the gods is the latest move to end the seemingly endless chaos engulfing the English government. It is seen by many as the best and by far the cheapest way to break the current parliamentary deadlock. More sacrifices are scheduled for next week when Baroness Morgan will start firing wet armadillos across the Thames Barrier, into the Royal Dock.
Temporary, acting, interim, vice media liaison officer attached to the Welsh government department for sacrificial appeasement of capricious and vengeful deities, Sean Spicer had this to say.
“The offering of sacrifices to the gods has a long and noble tradition. The book of Leviticus has extensive guidance on exactly how to go about this sort of thing and we’ve got the best sacrificers on the case believe me. They’re great at the sacrificing. The goddess of chaos likes a sacrifice more than the prayers. She quite likes the prayers but she’s Greek and none of us speak Greek so… The sacrificing will definitely do the job. We’ve already seen a 30% increase in… Well airborne pandas and armadillos.
But other things are up too. An MP; one of the MP, members of parliament people did some government stuff yesterday so there’s that. Real government stuff too, like laws and you know… Reading books; whatever they do. That’s good. If there is anybody out there, like a Greek person who wants to maybe pray to the Goddess of Chaos. I don’t know how many prayers it is to an armadillo, maybe fifty. A hundred for a panda? Anyway as you can see, everything is just great and the sacrificing is definitely going to fix everything. But if anybody does know where we can get maybe another panda or some more armadillos…
Any questions?”
