- David Cameron To Take Over Swansea Roadworks - 28th February 2020
- Greta Thunberg Action Figure Surprise Christmas Hit - 27th January 2020
- Charlotte Church to Play Gwyneth Paltrow’s Vagina - 14th January 2020
The peerless reputation of Swansea’s UNESCO world heritage Prince of Wales roadworks has been tarnished this year by a lacklustre Christmas parade and local councillors have sworn to “wreak terrible vengeance on Santa and all his stunted minions”. Swansea council has been trying to summon up the true spirit of Christmas all year round by generating a hemmed-in feeling of claustrophobia throughout the whole of the city centre via the use of conceptual roadworks and regular mid-morning drunken tableaux. Unfortunately, Father Christmas refused to do his bit to continue the theme resulting in angry mobs armed with flaming torches and pitchforks descending on council buildings.
Full blown diplomatic incident
The Christmas parade featuring Santa Clause and his elves normally brings great joy to city dwellers but this year a trademark dispute over the colours red and white threatened to derail the event completely. What began in February as a polite exchange of emails wherein Santa jokingly suggested the colour scheme of the roadworks would make it difficult for people to see him, gradually escalated into a full blown diplomatic incident. By June the Lapland ambassador wrote to the United Nations after learning the roadworks would still be in place during Santa’s scheduled parade in November 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021 etc.
After this, Santa himself cut off all contact with Swansea council and would only respond through his solicitors. Via a series of official emails Felcher, Spitroast and Updike made Swansea council aware that their client would honour his commitment to “parade through the streets like a ten cent whore, waving at hysterical vermin, glorifying the consumerist theocracy” but he would not bring any of the usual “good cheer” or “Christmas magic”.
Prevent unskilled elves working
The council responded with an open letter in the Guardian stating they were going to “take back control of Christmas” and would be introducing a points-based system to prevent unskilled elves working within the city. Santa himself could no longer expect to go to the front of the queue if he wanted to enter the city but would have to demonstrate that he would not be a burden on the local economy. He would also not be allowed to access the benefits system nor avail himself of NHS or education services.
Cheap wine and fifteen Thorazine
Unable to extricate himself from his legal duty to “parade”, Santa turned up on the 18th of November in a massive sulk having consumed three bottles of cheap wine and fifteen Thorazine. By 2pm he had punched three reindeers and urinated over a toddler named Flint. By 5pm, as contracted, he climbed aboard his sleigh and headed off through the city centre only partially conscious. From there it went downhill fast and complaints poured in on social media, mostly about the clash of colours between the roadworks and Santa’s costume.
On Monday the 19th of November Swansea wrote another open letter to the Guardian stating that Santa had brought the city centre roadworks into disrepute and that they would hunt him down and terminate him with extreme prejudice. His head would be mounted on a spike in front of the Guild Hall and an avenue of burning elves would light the way of next years Christmas parade. Or he could always change to a green outfit with gold trim, whatever.
