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- Charlotte Church to Play Gwyneth Paltrow’s Vagina - 14th January 2020
Swansea Council has agreed a deal with Glastonbury overlord Michael Eavis to alternate years between the world-renowned festival and a celebration of all roadworks related activities. The Glastonbury trust, an offshoot of the Michael Eavis bathroom and novelty porridge empire is in talks with city leaders in a bid to extend the “fallow years” to a biannual event. The fallow years normally occur every five years to give the land, local population, and organisers a break but with an alternative venue, the Glastonbury spirit can be kept alive artificially.
Feral roadworks residents
Shops across the city have already begun developing window displays in anticipation of feeling the mighty festival’s corporate thud. In keeping with original hippy ideals, the festival will be entirely free. However, there will be a nominal charge of £50 per day for parking and people bringing their own food into the city centre will be tasered and returned to the wild. The festival is expected to attract tens of people, many of whom will bring tales of the outside world. Feral residents of the road works will receive a discount of £1.50 a day off parking; £2.50 if they own a vehicle.
Beyonce to headline
Beyonce and Jay-Z will headline on Saturday night just in front of the big screen in Castle Square. They will wow crowds with all their roadworks related hits such as Single Laneys and 99 Problems (but a ditch ain’t one). Those puns were officially sanctioned by the post-Brexit committee for taking back control of fun. They have been deemed funny by a panel of experts who know a good joke when they hear it. The panel’s other duties include taking back control of knees-ups and beer temperatures.
The roadworks festival will culminate in a parade through the streets which is expected to last until the end of recorded time or until Britain leaves the European Union, whichever is longer. The BBC has secured the broadcast rights for the festival but will be covering it from a safe distance offshore. They will use drones for the filming in a technique they call “using drones”. Since losing fifteen journalists, sent to cover Santa’s parade last November, the BBC have been forbidden by their insurance company from sending any employees anywhere near the “gravitational pull” of the roadworks themselves.
[embedyt] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tNCwiIWMKGM[/embedyt]
