Our satirical writer Edwin Phillips reads an alternative returning joyful column by ITV Cymru Wales news reader Andrea Byrne in the property magazine Cardiff Life, which is pushed through doors in the city, bringing enthralling updates on Covid-19 and more captivating information about her baby’s progress through it as is usual in the glossy magazine.
I am sure this will be a huge relief to my fan, and I know it will be exciting news to cheer up your dull humdrum lives so that I can bring you more important insights into world events such as the progress of my baby Jemima.
To be serious for a moment, as I said in my absorbing column (although I do say so myself!) in Cardiff Life: “…this year there is no guarantee of how jolly we will be able to be (it’s normally ‘the season to be jolly’ you see!) and with how many people (because of the lockdown you see!)“.
But I was soon able to lighten up and bring you the news that my fan has really been waiting for: “Thankfully, Jemima remains full of joy and blissfully ignorant to the world’s pandemic perils”.
In the past I have also exclusively disclosed further important information in Cardiff Life about my baby Jemima, such as: “When she wasn’t sleeping or swimming, Jemima easily attracted quite a holiday fan club.
“She rocked her pink baby sunglasses wherever she went and there’s little doubt she was the coolest – and I think the cutest – baby in the resort! Though, of course, I may be a just a little bit biased!”.
I have rewarded the fan with such crucial details on the progress of my baby, as: “…it won’t be long until Jemima has grown so much that we’ll no longer be able to have her in the baby carrier…”.
Yet it seems people want more (it’s so hard sometimes!) and my fan wrote to me (clearly in code): “I am fed up to the back teeth hearing about your baby. Why do you write this air-head rubbish?”.
It hasn’t been easy though (it never is being an internationally-recognised TV superstar).
In my usual hilarious fashion, I wrote in my column about what we had to take: “Passports, tickets, money and now we can add THE KITCHEN SINK!”.
But such important news has not just been confined to Cardiff Life.
The South Wales Echo said that my hubby the former international star rugby player Lee (Byrne) and I “opened up” about our fertility treatment known as IVF, and how right they were!
I understand of course you will have been fascinated to hear that we “started trying for a baby following a romantic New Year’s Day wedding ceremony in 2012” and that my hubby Lee, the former international star rugby player (Byrne), had “always wanted to be a dad”.
As the South Wales Echo put it so well: “… out of the blue Andrea was told she was pregnant with Jemima, who changed their world …”
Or as I said in my now restored Cardiff Life column: “Thankfully ITV is a very forward-thinking organisation and Lee (the former international star rugby player [Byrne]) is a very supportive husband”.
I know from the flood of a letter that the details I wrote, have been greeted with relief by my fan, when I told him: “I’m busy preparing for my return to work post-maternity.
“… I’ve been trying to give my presenting persona some practice runs and remind myself what it’s like to string proper sentences together again”, I said in the humourous way I am known for (this is because I have had a baby and am back after maternity leave, which you may not understand).
This is the kind of news I acknowledge the readers of Cardiff Life really want not (I have been reliably told) the information about properties no one can ever afford, pictures of people you have never heard of, and vacuous articles headlined ‘CONSCIOUS CREATIVITY’ so that you put the magazine straight in the bin.
You want details of ME and my baby Jemima!
In the past it has also been in my gift to offer all-important announcements in Cardiff Life about my private life, which have included going to a health spa: “My treatment was… divine. Seventy blissful minutes… I was in heaven”.
Further crucial details have also been offered by me, such as: “I can safely say the products used here are some of the kindest on the market when it comes to looking after the health of your nails.”
And: “I was determined to find time to carry on (with yoga) when I became a mum.”
You can tell I read the news!
I am so open that I have even been prepared to give my fan vital information about my husband, the former international star rugby player Lee (Byrne).
These have included: “Thanks to dad Lee (the former international star rugby player [Byrne]) again, I was so grateful to take 48 hours out to immerse myself in yoga again, in a beautiful coastal setting alongside ten other like-minded yogis (ha! ha!).”
In my generosity I have also provided significant details like: “As well as blissfully relaxed, I also felt revitalised and rejuvenated…”
This is what my fan wants to read in my newly ‘revitalised and rejuvenated’ column for Cardiff Life, not stuff about weddings and expensive houses!
I’ve said that before, get it..?
Also on The Eye – more disturbing revelations about another of Wales’ biggest broadcasters.
Our Editor Phil Parry’s memories of his extraordinary 37-year award-winning career in journalism as he ‘opens up’ about being gripped by the incurable disabling condition Hereditary Spastic Paraplegia (HSP), have been released in the major book ‘A GOOD STORY’. Order the book now!