- David Cameron To Take Over Swansea Roadworks - 28th February 2020
- Greta Thunberg Action Figure Surprise Christmas Hit - 27th January 2020
- Charlotte Church to Play Gwyneth Paltrow’s Vagina - 14th January 2020
Desperate times require desperate measures which is why Swansea council has hired vampires to continue the city centre roadworks. Since construction company Dawnus went into administration, fears were raised that the roadworks would lose their UNESCO world heritage status. The cultural significance of the “living monument” relies on the roadworks being never ending and utterly unfathomable in their purpose.
A letter from the UNESCO committee stated bluntly that a simple eyesore in the city centre was not enough to qualify and that the roadworks had to move and grow in response to people’s ability to navigate them. Using vampires to continue the work has two main advantages.
The first is that work can now be carried out at night which adds another layer of confusion to the already mind-boggling complexity of the unique cultural experience. The second is that any and all health and safety regulations can be ignored due to the ability of vampires to self-heal even the most horrendous wounds by simply drinking blood in vast quantities.
Recruitment will not be a problem as there has been a healthy vampire community in Swansea for some time. Craig, a vampire, originally from Porth, settled in Townhill twenty years ago but has been unable to find steady work due to his acute photosensitivity and allergies to garlic, crucifixes, holy water, silver, fire, wooden stakes, mirrors, rosemary, peppermint, clove, cinnamon, cedar, geranium, pine, lavender, basil, thyme and lemon. He is also lactose intolerant and can’t really do gluten.
Although his Disability Living Allowance has enabled him to live as full a life as possible, he still finds it difficult to get out and about. A night job on the roads where he can meet other vampires will be a vital first step to integrating him into wider society. Linda, his social worker, said he was looking forward to it and that he hoped he could now stop pretending to be Garry Barlow online in order to talk to housewives who were into kinky stuff.