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Minister for Environment, Energy and Rural Affairs Lesley Griffiths AM has controversially reintroduced wolves into Cardiff city centre as part of a radical plan to reduce the environmental impact of not having wolves in the city centre.
The shock move saw seventeen male Dirty Grey wolves confiscated from drug dealers in Porth and turned loose in the Hayes, just next to John Lewis. The wolves, all of whom are thought to be withdrawing from six years of steroid abuse will be used to cause “a trophic cascade of ecological change, including helping to increase beaver populations and bring back aspen, and vegetation.”
A recent paper about how wolf reintroduction changed the ecosystem in Yellowstone National Park in the USA inspired the scheme. In Yellowstone, the Wolves ate the Elk which had become a major destructive force in the area. This allowed young trees to thrive which provided material for beavers to build dams. In Cardiff the wolves are expected to eat mostly seagulls, discarded chip wrappers and students queuing for taxis.
Wolves were last seen in the Cardiff area in the 10th century and it is no coincidence that at the time, the unitary authority was covered in oak forests, beavers and wandering minstrels. After the wolves were all killed the population of wandering minstrels mushroomed to such a degree that it became legal to shoot anyone carrying a lute whilst shopping.
Temporary, acting, interim, vice media liaison officer for the Welsh Government department for getting us on the national news, Sean Spicer had this to say.
“These wolves are the best wolves you’ve ever seen. Big wolves. These are some of the most grey wolves, with fur and… Teeth… They’ve got the teeth. From the mouths. They have mouths, with the teeth. Big… I was talking to a guy on the way here and he was saying I’d like to see more wolves in the city centre. We’ve never had enough wolves. He was a great guy. One thing I would say. I’ve seen the joke shop on Duke Street selling the sexy Red Riding Hood costumes. I would avoid those. Bo peep as well. Anything sheep related. Or anything that’s likely to slow you down. Any questions?”
Night club regular Calvin Flappage was less diplomatic.
“They told us they’d just eat students like and I’m like well I don’t know about that, I mean they’re people too innit. But I thought well at least I’m OK to go out for a drink see. But then it was carnage. None of them’s eating students. Every one of them’s just gone straight down Chippy Lane and they’re mugging people for kebabs. What am I going to do, it’s a wolf? I gives him my kebab and he wolfs it down… Obviously… Then he just stares at me as if to say, are you eating those chips? I gives him the chips and he’s like, what about that pickled onion? I didn’t even know I’d bought it. I’m not happy. This is socio-economic chaos.”