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- Charlotte Church to Play Gwyneth Paltrow’s Vagina - 14th January 2020
Our on-the-spot reporter can officially bring you dramatic new developments in the ongoing saga of Kim Jong Un’s proposed Godzilla nursery in the Swansea Bay Tidal Lagoon. Since we first revealed the plans to a stunned lower Swansea Valley and the surrounding districts, concerns have been raised within the local community. To address these concerns local businessmen Darren Coeliac and Vejay Polony of Coeliac and Polony Genetics (CPG) have built a dinosaur compound on the outskirts of the city ready to house a Giganotosaurus army should it become necessary.
Planning permission was initially refused on the basis that there was already a proposal for an army of giant marauding hell beasts bent on the destruction of civilisation and a second such site would be an infringement of intellectual property. All such objections vanished however when CPG promised unlimited dinosaur rides for the children of councillors with a three-month introductory offer of replacement children should any unavoidable shreddings occur.
The dinosaur compound consists of twenty-foot-high adamantium and titanium mesh based walls surrounded by an electrified fence which utilises the latest smart meter technology coupled with an automatic uSwitch app to keep the bills as low as possible. We asked CPG for an interview and they issued this statement via recently appointed head of publicity Sean Spicer.
Every step has been taken to reduce the risk of Giganotosaurus escape as anyone can see from the big walls and everything. We’ve got cameras and that so it’s like on YouTube all the time so we’re not going to get up to nothing and all that. So far almost none of our researchers have been consumed and definitely none from Swansea. Is Llanelli in Swansea? None from central Swansea. None from the centre of Swansea, you know the bit in the centre. Not fully consumed. Most people if you think about it can get by perfectly well with one foot.
In any event, I would like to reassure the public that we are fully insured and we compared all the insurances so we got the best one there is out there. It’s really great insurance. It’s fabulous insurance. What I think we can all agree on is the only effective answer to a bad guy with an army of viciously psychotic, massively destructive rampaging lizard creatures is a good guy with an army of viciously psychotic, massively destructive rampaging lizard creatures. Let’s make Swansea great again.
Well, that seems OK then I suppose.
