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Swansea City council is proud to announce the completion of Wales’s first marauding Orc army. The signs have been there for all to see for the past year. The beastly ravaging of the built environment in the city centre, the seemingly pointless, never-ending, digging, digging, digging. Faceless workers in high-vis jackets, breaking their backs, hacking into the very foundations of the transport infrastructure. Exposing the dark, satanic bowels of The Kingsway, The Westway, Orchard Street, St Helens Road and anywhere else their festering industry wills them onto.
Acres of desolate scarring have turned the city centre into a Mordor like landscape of confusion with bewildered citizens desperately yearning for a simpler time. Having dug down to find the correct combination of stone and slime on which to work the sorcery of Morgoth the council has finally embarked on the ultimate stage of the enterprise. The felling of mature trees in the city centre will provide the fuel for the furnaces wherein the stone/slime-clay will be baked to a powerful substance harder than stone and more offensive than slime. From this substance will be crafted the mighty Orc army and the land shall tremble, probably.
The cover story about trees having “caused damage to pavements, making them potential trip hazards” was necessary to prevent Lampeter from getting the drop on Swansea. Lampeter council have been working on an Orc army since Christmas but are still in the evil plan stage. By fiercely protecting their intellectual property Swansea council have managed to manufacture an army of marauding soulless, killing machines well under budget and ahead of schedule.
Now the work is complete Swansea will have full protection against the Godzilla army set to descend upon Wales’s second city with the completion of the tidal lagoon power station. Up until now, they have relied on a makeshift system involving Dyfatty Bowling green and some wooden spikes.
After an Orc raiding party disemboweled fifteen Japanese tourists at Oystermouth castle sparking an international incident, Swansea Council’s temporary, acting, interim, vice media liaison officer in charge of plausible deniability, Sean Spicer had this to say.
There was good and bad on both sides. The Orc is well known for its traditional values. We don’t know the full story here. We don’t know if all the Japanese had the correct paperwork. A lot of them were taking photographs, something which Orcs find very offensive, they should have known that. Who knows whose fault it was? We may never find out. I think there needs to be an investigation into exactly what the Japanese tourists were doing there, what they were up to at lunchtime in a public place. Taking photographs. Did they have a permit? I’m not saying we should launch a counter-strike at this stage. I think everyone needs to calm down. Any questions?