Prison Loans

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In an announcement sneaked out under cover of Boris Johnson’s groundbreaking idea of a cross-channel bridge’ Minister for Justice The Rt Hon David Gauke MP, set out his plans for “Prison Loans”. The idea is that prisoners should pay for the cost of their imprisonment but that “prisoner loans” would be made available to those who could not afford to do so.

A statement from the National Committee of Inquiry into Prison Conditions, reads:

“We do not underestimate the strength of feeling on the issue of seeking a contribution towards rehabilitation costs. A detailed assessment of the issues has, however, convinced us that the arguments in favour of a contribution to rehabilitation costs from prisoners in “work” are strong, if not widely appreciated.

They relate to equity between social groups, broadening imprisonment opportunities, equity with “part-time” prisoners who are electronically tagged or on suspended sentences, strengthening the prisoner role in rehabilitation, and identifying a new source of income that can be ring-fenced for proper wronguns.”

Mr. Gauke made it clear.

“I have sound research that shows prisoners would appreciate their rehabilitation more if they paid for it. A lot of prisoners, let’s be honest, go in there because it’s paid for and they have a great time. I know a lot of people who went to prison because they didn’t want to go to work and they probably came out with a bit of a rubbish CV and as a taxpayer, I resent that and I know the man on the Clapham Omnibus certainly does”.

Temporary project spokesman Sean Spicer on loan from Coeliac and Polony Genetics had this to say.  “Prisoners will not be expected to pay back the loans until they “earn” more than £20K a year. The money will be used to build the best prisons. Bars, doors, everything… Food…  Dogs, everything…  Those things on the doors, the swingey things that they look through in the films but with glass on so they can’t get stabbed in the eye with a sharpened toothbrush or something.  

Obviously, there will be penalties for not paying back the loans, maybe a fine or imprisonment.  We might have to work on that one; perhaps we can just get someone to punch them. A lot of people don’t like it when you rub polystyrene together so it squeaks. We could do that to them. Anyway, this is a terrific policy, it’s the best policy and the public love it. Everyone should do it. Has anybody got a fag, I’m gasping?”

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