Our satirical writer Edwin Phillips reads an urgent Press Release to the mainstream media in Wales from the victorious Conservatives after details emerged of the number of their candidates in last week’s General Election who lived outside the area they wanted to represent.
TIME: As Soon As Opposition Parties Cotton On
FROM: Information Department In Operation Tory Schedule (IDIOTS)
TO: All Regional Staff Editorial (ARSE)
IDIOTS urge the mainstream media in Wales otherwise known as ARSE to ignore reports that many of our candidates came from outside the constituencies they wished to represent in Westminster.
We note with displeasure that journalists on the troublemaking website The Eye have without justification focused on it.
It is of no consequence whatsoever that on nomination papers it is confirmed that the address of the Conservative candidate for Aberavon Charlotte Lang was in the Bermondsey and Old Southwark constituency, and the address of our esteemed triumphant candidate for Aberconwy Robin Millar was listed as being in the West Suffolk constituency.
It is proof that our strategy was highly successful because we won handsomely at the polls on Thursday.
Charlotte and Robin were, anyway, only two of a number of our candidates who live outside Wales, and the fact they have removed themselves from the area gives greater perspective.
Unfortunately this may not have been clear to voters in their constituencies last week.
We were not alone in this game plan either – other parties also displayed the same practice which has been described by our detractors as “unfortunate”.
After all, Labour’s Mary Robbins in Ynys Mon has an address outside Wales, although party officials say that she was born on the island.
The Liberal Democrat candidate for Montgomeryshire Kishan Divani had an address listed in Uxbridge and South Ruislip.
Meanwhile Gwlad Gwlad’s (GG) (which has been unfairly targeted by The Eye) candidate for the Vale of Glamorgan Laurence Williams had an address in the Old Bexley and Sidcup constituency in the South East of England.
Reporters in the mainstream media should, as they have done, concentrate solely on the policies and past history of the candidates, except in the case of Mr Williams.
Unfortunately it has been reported on The Eye that apart from having an address in the Old Bexley and Sidcup constituency Mr Williams had also stood for the far-right English Democrats, and had too been a candidate for the Christian Party (in Old Bexley and Sidcup in 2015), while in the 2014 European elections, he stood for the London region of the right wing Christian Peoples Alliance.
It seems his political career however started in the 2010 General Election fighting the Erith and Thamesmead seat for the English Democrats.
But journalists in the mainstream media are correct in not delving too much into the background of our dear leader Boris Johnson.
Regrettably it has emerged that Mr Johnson has been accused of being a liar and philanderer.
It appears he also promised to supply the phone number of a journalist who WAS nosey to a friend of his who wanted him beaten up.
These inappropriate facts should be ignored by ARSE, as in the so-called ‘news’ that our highly-experienced candidates come from outside the areas they wished to represent.
Tomorrow – more disturbing information about the political candidates who have addresses outside Wales.