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After another failed attempt to establish a functioning government in Westminster, Secretary of State for England, Eluned Morgan has been forced to appoint a ‘Place Holder’ Prime Minister. In order to minimise the potential damage an actual person might do, Baroness Morgan of Ely has given the post to an inanimate object.
The Swansea Devil, best known for his cheeky grin has the added advantage of never having destroyed either a country, a major political party or the reputation of the public-school system. We spoke to the Swansea Devil’s representative, theatrical agent Charlton Cockwrangler IV for the inside story.
“The English had gone and put a milk pudding in charge of the country. Not so bad but he started banging on about a golden age and we all know how that ends. At first they said they wanted to replace him with a massive phallic symbol. Because then nobody would have to alter any existing graffiti. Then they asked me about the Swansea Devil.
I’ve been representing him in a theatrical capacity since I realised there was money in it but Dev and I go back a long way. The first Mrs Cockwrangler used to use him as a… Well… Uhm… The important thing to remember is and I keep telling him this. He wasn’t to blame. She was a wild, impetuous filly and truth be told it wasn’t the worst of her crimes. Fine set of haunches.
Well the first thing I said was, how much is Boris getting? Double that and we might be able to come to an arrangement. Turns out I should have asked for more. They were so happy to have someone in post who would be guaranteed to do absolutely nothing they were jumping through hoops to sign him.
Anyway, the main duties will include negotiating the Brexit agreement obviously and what Eluned said to me was listen darling he’s got it nailed. All he has to do is turn up and do nothing more importantly say absolutely nothing. Apparently, that was the big problem with the last two. They kept doing stuff and now everyone hates everyone else.
So the Swansea Devil, being a physical incarnation of evil polled significantly better than Boris Johnson and was considered 79.3% more trustworthy by a focus group made up of people.
Next week we’re off on a diplomatic mission of the former colonies. Re-establish ‘Brand Britannia’ they said. Build on all that good will we established with all our friends overseas. When we invaded and enslaved them and that. Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya, Yemen, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines. Although I think that last one is an Acid Jazz 8 piece from Llantrisant. Palestine, Vanuatu, Tuvalu; all the big ones.
I think Boris Johnson is doing I’m a Celebrity, Get Me out of Here at that point. You know, so he looks more dignified. Then straight onto Strictly followed by celebrity Naked Attraction. I’ll just leave you with that image.”
Our Editor Phil Parry’s memories of his extraordinary 35-year award-winning career in journalism as he was gripped by the incurable disabling condition Hereditary Spastic Paraplegia (HSP), have been released in a major new book ‘A GOOD STORY’. Order the book now! The picture doubles as a cut-and-paste poster!