Her Majesty the Queen and Prime Minister Teresa May have formally agreed the Swansea City Centre roadworks will be officially renamed The Prince of Wales roadworks to commemorate their 60th year without completion.
Welsh Secretary Alun Cairns’ temporary, acting, interim junior, non-executive vice-media liaison officer Sean Spicer issued this statement:
“I’m delighted to announce that – with the agreement of the Prime Minister and Her Majesty the Queen – the Swansea City Centre roadworks will be renamed the Prince of Wales Memorial Road Works.
The announcement is a fitting tribute to His Royal Highness in a year that sees him mark 60 years as the Prince of Wales and Swansea’s roadworks gaining UNESCO world heritage status. Renaming one of our most iconic landmarks in Wales is a fitting way to formally recognise Prince Charles’ commitment and dedication to Wales and the UK as the Prince of Wales.”
The ceremony to rename the road works will begin with the convoy of Prince Charles, led by the regalia bearers, entering the Kingsway alternative contraflow, double negative ensemble (with barriers), to await the arrival of Her Majesty.
Once the royal family have arrived, the lesser members will take their seats in the temporary gallery, on the roof of Specsavers. The Queen and Duke of Edinburgh, led by the Earl of Snowdon, the Lord Great Chamberlain, the Earl Marshal and the Gentleman Usher carrying the Great Sword of State, will then make their way to the stage just outside Shaws The Drapers, where the renaming ceremony is to be conducted.
There will then be a short interval of three days as the convoy attempts to decipher the cryptic runes used by city planners to delineate the route through the alternative contraflow, double negative ensemble (with barriers). There will then be another interval of five days as they make their way to the stage.
Spectators are advised that it is perfectly safe and extremely common to drink your own urine when trying to navigate the Kingsway temporary traffic system. Swansea City Council has asked people stuck in the system not to panic as “all life is transitory and meaning can only be found when we let go of earthly desires like wanting to find the way to Poundstretchers or see your family ever again”.
As he comes to the stage Prince Charles will kneel before the red and white traffic control/anti-terrorist barriers. During the reading of the Letters Patent in Welsh, the Queen will invest Charles with the symbolic Sat Nav, a thermos of hot tea, resident’s parking permit, checked blanket and hard boiled sweets, in that order.
Prince Charles will then declare, “I, Charles, do become your keeper of the mysteries of the one-way system. I dedicate my life to ensuring it shall never be accurately described by any Sat Nav or printed map. Its purpose shall not be revealed, neither by recollection nor legend. Hear this I beseech you; for as long as I live not a man nor woman nor child at the breast will penetrate the arcane wisdom at the heart of the Kingsway lane allocation system. As God is my witness it will ever be thus”.
Charles will then customarily kiss the Queen’s cheek and they will embrace.
The Prince of Wales Memorial Road Works are sponsored by The Crystal Maze.