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In a shock revelation it was revelated last night that under cover of Brexit mayhem, Secretary of State for Wales Alun Cairns has been replaced by an Alun Cairns puppet without anyone noticing. The switch took place a year and a half ago when the suitcase normally used for transporting Mr. Cairns was accidentally left on a train platform. Worried the Welsh would be upset by his disappearance, his department panicked and replaced him with a near identical hand puppet.
The puppet is worked by the simple insertion of a gloved hand through the rear opening. The fingers then work the eyes and mouth to give the appearance of life as an impressionist specially imported from the colonies does the voice. This has been surprisingly effective and has been massively helped by the largely ceremonial role of Mr. Cairns which consists mainly of renaming bridges and trying to see over the barriers at theme parks.
The puppet has been successfully carrying out all the duties of the real Mr. Cairns but suspicions were raised when an ESTYN report commissioned by secretary of state for England Eluned Morgan found his department was performing adequately. As all other departments in the English administration have been performing catastrophically a further investigation was immediately launched. The source of the comparative excellence was soon found to be the absence of any guiding principle behind any of the actions of the department.
As all the other departments are currently guided by the principle of destroying the United Kingdom and all the people in it as quickly as possible this lack of vision seems to have kept it ticking over nicely whilst all around is chaos. Inspired by the results Baroness Morgan is now thinking of replacing the entire English cabinet with inanimate objects that have had faces painted on the front of them. She is hoping that in the next year or so, this one simple act can raise the level of performance of the Westminster government to the giddying heights of completely useless.