- David Cameron To Take Over Swansea Roadworks - 28th February 2020
- Greta Thunberg Action Figure Surprise Christmas Hit - 27th January 2020
- Charlotte Church to Play Gwyneth Paltrow’s Vagina - 14th January 2020
The Walt Disney Company has acquired the UNESCO Prince of Wales roadworks in Swansea, we can reveal. The roadworks in Swansea have long been a source of pride and entertainment for local residents but the Disney acquisition will see them placed centre stage worldwide. Developers are already exploring the possibility of a Swansea Roadworks themed attraction at Disneyworld in Florida.
People of all ages could enter the roadworks system and would be issued with basic survival rations, a hunting knife and a Disney character helpmate. The helpmate will not legally be allowed to touch the customers for insurance reasons but could offer useful verbal encouragement such as “go on sport, you can do it” or “please don’t give up all hope just yet, there have been less than 50 deaths from hunger this week so there’s that….”
Early reviews have been generally favourable but the beta version was closed down last week when a cold and hungry 10 year old sliced open two employees dressed as a Tauntaun and used them as a sleeping bag.
Disney is said to be in talks with ITV to set the next series of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here within the roadworks. Camp will be set up in the mud themed safari park on the Kingsway roundabout and contestants will be allowed to use the toilet facilities in the local Wetherspoons thus avoiding any contact with civilisation.
Disney hopes the roadworks acquisition will make it more competitive with online rivals such as Netflix, by giving it a more diverse portfolio of attractions, as well as a bigger stake in the online streaming service “Roadworks Watch”. Roadworks Watch, now a multi-billion-dollar concern, began when local roadworks enthusiast Mr Karl Emphatic launched the app from his bedroom in the Sandfields, Swansea.
The app detailed all the roadworks attractions in the Swansea valley to begin with but proved such a success it now has two billion subscribers worldwide and features roadworks as far apart as Route 66 in the USA and the Karakoram Highway in Pakistan.
Ed. The Book by NotsoGreatDictator will be out soon! Published by Cambria Publishing. Well, as soon as he can escape the mazey clutches of the Swansea roadworks!
Our Editor Phil Parry’s memories of his extraordinary 35-year award-winning career in journalism as he was gripped by the incurable disabling condition Hereditary Spastic Paraplegia (HSP), have been released in a major new book ‘A GOOD STORY’. Order the book now! The picture doubles as a cut-and-paste poster!