Fifty mature trees have been cut down in Swansea City centre as work begins in earnest on the Godzilla defences in preparation for the inevitable senseless rampage which conservative estimates predict will annihilate 50% of all local businesses. An undisclosed number of people will also be killed and or mutilated. The move has not been without controversy as the defences will be mostly constructed using the trees from the city centre. When council workmen began felling the trees it sparked a storm of outrage across social media and aggrieved residents took to the streets.
Swansea Council’s temporary, acting, interim, vice media liaison officer in charge of desperate last-ditch stands, Sean Spicer had this to say.
“These are the best trees, so beautiful. Beautiful mature trees. Imagine Godzilla, big Godzilla, with his tail. Breathing fire smashing stuff up. He’s a big guy, the biggest and he’s coming. Let’s say he escapes, a lot of people escape. It happens all the time. Some people are escapologists, I love that word. Escapologist. It’s a big word. One of the biggest.
Godzilla is not an escapologist, that requires years of training. Escapologists are fine, beautiful people, the best. But Godzilla is a ferocious, rampaging hell beast and we will have approximately 200 of them in the tidal lagoon at any given time so we have to assume some of them will escape. In that event and may the Lord our God protect us from such a calamity, praise be to Jesus, in that event, we will need to protect the city.
These once beautiful, amazing trees form part of our evil plan. Did I say evil plan? It’s just a plan. The best plan, it’s a great plan, beautiful plan. The plan is to use the trees as spiked barriers and that way we can corral the Godzillas into an area we have designated as the killing zone.”
A woman in a hazmat outfit tugs Mr. Spicer by the arm and whispers in his ear.
“An area we have designated the fun time Godzilla play-zone. Some of you may have noticed the Dyfatty Senior Citizens Bowls Pavilion has undergone some changes recently. We have installed high grade, the best. Beautiful, strong electric fencing. The escaped Gozillas will be pushed towards the Dyfatty Senior Citizens Bowls Pavilion using spikes made from the felled trees where they will be humanely…”
Mr. Spicer breaks off and leans towards the woman in the hazmat suit. They engage in a brief whispered discussion behind their hands. Mr. Spicer turns back to face the press.
“Annihilated in a humane way that is both fun and unexpected for the Godzilla hatchlings. This way we fully expect the human death toll to be kept below 2,500% for the equivalent non-Godzilla rampage designated time period, excluding persistent rain-related deaths. Any questions?”
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