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Secretary of State for England Eluned Morgan has announced that as of today Nelson’s Column will officially be renamed ‘Tom Jones’s Column’ in celebration of the nation’s favourite vocal entertainer. An additional five metres of decorative pink marble will be added to the column (at the top) to accommodate the wider stance traditionally associated with Tom’s Vegas years.
The shock move comes as we approach the third month since the Welsh government imposed direct rule on England due to the English failing to agree an agreement on how to agree agreements. A sweeping programme of improvements to the English cultural landscape will see many of their national monuments renamed, moved to Wales or flooded to provide water for the citizens of Llanddewi-Brefi.
Work on the column will begin immediately with the removal of Nelson seen as a priority. The concerns of naval battle enthusiasts have been taken on board and as a result the statue will be placed in the Swansea Bay tidal lagoon where visitors can see it become visible twice a day and three times on Bank Holidays.
Tom Jones’s column will be unleashed on the public at a lavish post Brexit banquet with guest of honour Kim Jon-Un performing the big reveal. The column will be sheathed in purple silk until the colourful North Korean despot gives it a tug thus showing the great British public his sense of fun as well as Tom’s proud stance.
This will be followed by a dignified ceremony where women are invited to throw their underwear as high up the column as possible. Cleat hooks will be installed on the facade to make sure the underwear sticks. Prizes will be awarded according to how high up the column the women can throw and a night on the town with Tom could be won for any that go all the way.
It is expected there will be a tiny minority who see the statue as an imposition and may seek to deface it of even urinate in the fountains. Because of this spinning razor wire, which is on fire, will be installed immediately after the opening ceremony. This is expected to prevent 99% of column related terrorist activity. The other 1% will be prevented by feral marauding Orcs released within the perimeter.
Temporary, acting, interim, vice media liaison officer for Welsh Government development, exploitation and enmoneyment of Englandland, Sean Spicer had this to say.
“We can get all the tourists with this one. Who’s ever heard of Nelson? What’s he done lately? I’ll tell you Tom Jones is what the kids want these days. They’re all there doing the flossing. Who invented that? Tom Jones. We can break into that lucrative… Lucrative… Lucrative; means lots of money. Big money. All those North Korean tourists. Do you know who’s been number one in North Korea for the past seven years? Seven years. Tom Jones. And those ladies know how to throw underwear, let me tell you. They’re the best. They go and get the knickers back as well. They’re only allowed one pair a year. Any questions?”
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