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- Charlotte Church to Play Gwyneth Paltrow’s Vagina - 14th January 2020
Plans to build the world’s first tidal power lagoon have been thrown out by the UK government. The shock decision was inevitable as soon as the main backer Kim Jong Un pulled all funding after twenty thousand Orcs descended on the Crymlyn Burrows Amazon fulfilment centre and killed all the Godzillas in the breeding program. The Godzillas had reached stage three maturity and were almost ready to be transferred to the Tidal Lagoon.
Two of them had been helping out in the returns department on weekends and another three had taken Fulfilment Associate positions although one is on long-term sick complaining of stress. Barry, known in the fulfilment centre as “the cheeky Godzilla” has been employee of the month three times and was in charge of a team in Fulfilment Loss Prevention. Another fifteen have been unable to obtain work visas so normally just play football in the canteen.
The marauding Orc army was bred by Swansea City council for one purpose. To destroy the Godzillas, should they ever threaten the people of Swansea. Unfortunately, Tricia Jones from Killay got into an argument with Barry one day when she said he was looking at her funny. She took the matter up with her line manager who called Barry in for an HR interview. Just an informal chat. Barry panicked and accidentally reduced the IT support department to rubble. Tricia messaged the Orcs on FaceBook who immediately launched an all-out attack.
Scenes of carnage and more carnage greeted employees as they tried to enter work the following day only to be greeted by the members of an Orc army, one of whom was carrying a gigantic bomb as he ran across the Aneurin Bevan car park. The resulting explosion ripped a massive hole in the side of the building and the Orcs swarmed through, looking for the Godzillas.
A battle royal ensued with the Godzillas initially gaining the upper hand. At one point it looked as if Amazon would come to the rescue. Jeff Bezos, taking advantage of his Amazon Prime membership, personally ordered fifteen thousand killer drones and sent them to kill the Orcs. However, the Orcs were not at home at the time so the drones executed their neighbours instead. Day and night the battle raged but the Orcs eventually did what they were designed to do and the last Godzilla fell before their brutal onslaught at 10:15 am earth time.
Swansea Council’s temporary, acting, interim, vice media liaison officer in charge of Game of Thrones Style Plot Twists, Sean Spicer had this to say.
“The Godzillas were humble, beautiful creatures. We wish them all the best with being dead and that. I met a guy on the way here and you know what he said to me? He said to me, “The Godzillas are great and everything but I wish we had something like a marauding Orc army to maybe kill them all if they step out of line”. You know he said that to me? And I thought, gee… And so I think we’ve all learned something today. Any questions?”
