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In a shock decision, the BBC has cast Liberace as the new Dr Who. A perfect storm of nostalgia for the good old days of yore (when everything was great) and government-imposed austerity has forced the BBC to bring back the rocking sets and floppy fingered monsters we all knew and loved. Filming will be relocated from Cardiff Bay to Fishguard Holiday Park to accommodate Liberace’s busy schedule and interior scenes of the TARDIS are to be shot in the luxurious en-suite toilet of his 11.2 metre Victory Capri static caravan.
Other cutbacks mean there will be no external locations but fans of the good old days of yore (when everything was great) have a special treat coming their way. Nigel Farage has been signed up as the Dr’s new assistant and looks set to play the son of Danny Pink. Whovians will remember Danny, love interest of Clara Oswald, played by Samuel Anderson first appearing in series 8. Mr Farage spoke to our reporter just after the news broke and had these words to say.
“I’m glad to be doing my bit to Make Dr Who Great Again. I think the public is getting pretty sick of all this intergalactic travel and want to see good, honest, British stories. Liberace’s got one of the best toilets in the world and we should be showing it to the world. I remember when the villains in Dr Who couldn’t turn a knob without their fingers bending back.
That’s what the public want. I’ve already started glueing false nails onto a pair of green Marigold Gloves ready for the close-ups. I’m sick of people whingeing about how it’s going to look rubbish and cheap and nasty and dated and embarrassing and unintentionally funny and… It’s done now; they should all get behind it. Beer and fags are great, aren’t they?”
A spokesman for the BBC said: “Nigel will be Nigel.”
Fishguard Holiday Park resident Gwen Davis-Hughes had this to say.
“It’s bad enough he’s playing his piano day and night but if that Fat Slag thinks he’s going to have the BBC tramping all over my Mind-your-own-business he can stick it where the sun don’t shine. Me and Hilary likes to have our bondage sessions twice a week rain or shine and she can belt it out even through the ball-gag. Sounds like a crop duster taxiing for take off some days. Fair play to her, she’s enthusiastic. If they starts calling for quiet on the set I’m going to be straight round there with a riding crop and five kilos of nipple clamps. This is a residential area. I’m not having it.”
A representative of the Fishguard Holiday Park said: “Gwen will be Gwen”.
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