Swansea wants Nuclear Waste to feed Godzillas

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Swansea Council’s dreams of being home to a world-leading Tidal Lagoon have come a step closer after the Welsh Government launched a 12-week consultation to see if anywhere in Wales would volunteer to be the home of a nuclear waste disposal site. It would house the most radioactive material, some of which won’t be safe for 250,000 years. The waste and its containers will occupy 650,000 cubic metres, which is about half the volume of the Principality Stadium.

Until now the future of the Lagoon had been uncertain. Regular Eye readers will recall that Kim Jong Un has promised financial backing for the project providing Swansea Council agrees to his plan of using it as a Godzilla nursery.  Although one component of the Godzilla diet, laverbread, is readily available in Swansea another component, undiluted highly toxic nuclear waste has been more difficult to come by.

The Godzillas will provide a vital boost to the local economy and with some training in key skills such as natural felting and interrogating contemporary dialogues can become an integral part of Swansea’s next bit to become UK City of Culture.

The prospect of hosting the so-called legacy waste above ground is not universally popular however and some critics have pointed out that the Port Tennant based self-storage facility “Quality Containers” is not the requisite 1,000 metres below the surface. A spokesperson from Swansea Council issued a statement refuting the accusation that they have a cavalier attitude towards the safety of the public.

“As everyone knows Godzillas thrive on nuclear waste and they will need it close at hand for snaking purposes. There is also a great tradition of entertaining amongst the Godzilla community and if they have friends over how will it look if they can’t put on a tidy spread? It would be embarrassing for them and I think you’ll agree for the great City of Swansea if they had to burrow down a 1,000 metres every time they ran out of canapés. 

Swansea residents will be trained to recognise signs of radiation poisoning in their friends and relatives and hazmat suits will be issued to all toddlers irrespective of gender, racial origin, height, width even if they’re ginger that can have one. This will be paid for by expected savings to the dental care budget as people’s teeth fall out and no longer need to be filled.

In line with Swansea City Council’s equal opportunities policy, this will be the most accessible nuclear waste dump in the world and will ensure the success of our great city at least until the Godzillas are big enough to rampage across Western Europe on a frenzied killing spree precipitating the fall of civilisation as we know it. So, you know, swings and roundabouts.”

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