Westminster Cabinet Members To Be Issued With Red Shirts

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Theresa May preparing for an 'Away Mission'.

Prime Minister Theresa May has announced a new dress code for her cabinet. From now on ministers will simply be issued with red shirts, we can reveal.  The “Red Shirt” policy is thought to have been inspired by the science fiction TV series “Star Trek” where crew members wearing red shirts invariably come to a violent end, usually brought on by their own stupidity or treachery.

The red shirt will be a tight-fitting sweat-shirt style garment designed to restrict freedom-of-movement but more importantly, it will hide blood spatters should any cabinet member shoot themselves in the foot or decide to stab another cabinet member in the back.  The exception to the rule will be The Minister of State for Northern Ireland as members of Sinn Féin have refused to meet with anyone even vaguely orange.  The DUP, however, have told the Prime Minister in private they will not countenance any separate dress code for Northern Ireland.

The red shirt policy appears to be extremely unpopular amongst backbenchers as well with many saying the Prime Minister should deliver the dress code the people voted for.  This is thought to refer to David Cameron’s 2010 election pledge to “Hug a hoodie”.  The powerful ‘Dressing In Commons Committee’ (DICC) has been pushing for the hoodie to be adopted across the Houses of Parliament and it’s chair has stated publically he is prepared for a no clothes scenario where MPs turn up as God intended but in most case, slightly fatter.

With no resolution in sight, the government has issued instructions on how to prepare if MPs turn up in parliament with no clothes.  The importing and exporting animal products section has some very specific recommendations regarding sanitation whereas the rules on ‘trading gas’ remain largely unaffected.  As yet there have been no preparations for a hung parliament. The no clothes instructions contain the following assurance.

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“People and businesses should not be alarmed by ‘no clothes’ planning and preparation, nor read into it any pessimism. Instead, they should be reassured that we are taking a responsible approach, ensuring the ‘Red Shirt’ dress code transition can be as smooth as possible in all scenarios.”

 

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