- David Cameron To Take Over Swansea Roadworks - 28th February 2020
- Greta Thunberg Action Figure Surprise Christmas Hit - 27th January 2020
- Charlotte Church to Play Gwyneth Paltrow’s Vagina - 14th January 2020
It has been revealed by sources close to the Prime Minister’s girlfriend’s hairdresser’s boyfriend’s wife’s Reiki therapist that the redacted clause from the infamous Yellowhammer document contains a warning about increased attacks from Godzillas if we leave the EU without a deal on the 31st of October. The stark warning comes at a time when everything was just calming down a bit as well.
Boris Johnson’s cunning plan, to shout and wave his arms around until the EU gives us everything we want received universal acclaim from his girlfriend but fell at the first hurdle when a shoulder injury precluded any arm waving. His prowess at negotiating was established just after the now notorious laptop argument where he decisively won the debate by smashing the device in question with a model bus he had been working on in the shed.
Under a negotiated agreement she now spends 50% less time on the smashed laptop, allowing him to spend 3% less time shouting at her to get off his laptop. The deal also respects the terms of the Easter Sunday agreement which was drawn up after a particularly acrimonious shouting match over a Terry’s Chocolate orange egg.
Apparently it was filled with minis and she ate all the white chocolate ones and didn’t even offer them around. It was during those negotiations that the backstop was introduced as an addendum to the troublesome ‘sexual preferences’ section of their flat-share concordat. Miss Symonds insisted on the backstop clause to pre-empt any birthday and Christmas ‘special requests’ interfering with her polo practice.
The publication of the Yellowhammer document is widely seen as part of the Johnson team’s plan to paint him as willing to go to any lengths to get the deal he wants, short of actually telling anyone what deal he wants. The Godzilla section was redacted to prevent the customary wide scale panic, car desertion and running at cameras screaming familiar from films and TV. Please see below, the redacted paragraph in full.
- Godzilla shall awaken from his eons long slumber and ravage the earth, sea and sky, particularly in Blaenau Ffestiniog, with savage breath and terrible vengeance. The people of the UK shall cower beneath his grasping talons of death and vaguely wandering tail. Increase in traffic congestion due to people abandoning their cars in busy thoroughfares to escape death by being walked on. Without the benefit of the umbrella EU crush and destroy accord previously negotiated with the giant fire breathing lizard monster community the UK will be vulnerable to freelance devastation until an individual agreement is finalised. (DEFO)
Our Editor Phil Parry’s memories of his extraordinary 35-year award-winning career in journalism as he was gripped by the incurable disabling condition Hereditary Spastic Paraplegia (HSP), have been released in a major new book ‘A GOOD STORY’. Order the book now!