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Edwin Phillips reads a Press Release from ITV Cymru Wales about their presenter Andrea Byrne after telling us news of her ‘magical year on maternity’ following enthralling updates on her baby’s progress in her column in a glossy magazine pushed through the doors of Cardiff homes.
FROM: ITV Department In Original Television (IDIOT)
TO: All Regional Staff Editiorial (ARSE)
TIME: High Noon
Forget hard news – our audience really want to know about how one of our presenters brought her baby into the studio after a ‘magical’ year on maternity.
Apparently in the past the Editor of that irritating website The Eye Phil Parry, had worked on our programme Wales At Six and reported on absurd things like court cases and post office raids.
Not any more!
Now we are delighted to be able to tell our viewer about Andrea Byrne and her new baby daughter Jemima.
We were able to talk on Twitter about how she is on the point of returning to our screens (Andrea that is not the baby, ho ho!), and then she crucially spoke about how Jemima was also very keen to make her presenting debut with us (again, ho ho!) and that “Someone is a chatterbox” (once again, ho ho!).
Andrea’s razor-sharp intellect will be brought to bear with ITV Cymru Wales analysing the news on your televisions every night.
She also made this important announcement officially in her riveting Cardiff Life column called ‘MUM’S THE WORD’.
As Andrea informed you importantly: “I’m busy preparing for my return to work post-maternity.
“I’m back on your ITV screens delivering Wales’ evening news from 3 February, so with that in mind, I’ve been trying to give my presenting persona some practice runs and remind myself what it’s like to string proper sentences together again.”
Crucial details on the progress of her baby, were all there to be enjoyed in her column, such as: “…it won’t be long until Jemima has grown so much that we’ll no longer be able to have her in the baby carrier…”.
Andrea also wrote that her baby and she “paid another visit to the ITV Cymru Wales Cardiff studio to see all my news colleagues, which was very exciting”.
It will have been enthralling for our viewer to learn that “Jemima settled straight into telly life, beaming for the camera”.
The viewer apparently wrote to her (clearly in code): “I am fed up to the back teeth hearing about your baby. Why do you write this air-head rubbish?”.
In the past Andrea has also given him all-important details about her private life, which have included going to a health spa: “My treatment was… divine. Seventy blissful minutes… I was in heaven”.
Further crucial details were also offered by Andrea, such as: “I can safely say the products used here are some of the kindest on the market when it comes to looking after the health of your nails.”
And: “I was determined to find time to carry on (with yoga) when I became a mum.”
She even gave the viewer vital news about her husband the former international star rugby player Lee (Byrne).
These included: “Thanks to dad Lee again, I was so grateful to take 48 hours out to immerse myself in yoga again, in a beautiful coastal setting alongside ten other like-minded yogis.”
Significant details were offered like: “As well as blissfully relaxed, I also felt revitalised and rejuvenated…” and Andrea gave engrossing information about taking the baby on holiday with her husband: “Passports, tickets, money and now we can add THE KITCHEN SINK!”.
This is the kind of news our viewer wants.
She also exclusively revealed further important information concerning her baby, such as: “When she wasn’t sleeping or swimming, Jemima easily attracted quite a holiday fan club.
“She rocked her pink baby sunglasses wherever she went and there’s little doubt she was the coolest – and I think the cutest – baby in the resort! Though, of course, I may be a just a little bit biased!”.
So disregard any calls for so-called ‘hard’ news – it’s facts about a baby in sunglasses our viewer wants!
Tomorrow – we examine whether the ‘Boris bounce’ is more hype than reality…
Phil Parry’s memories of his extraordinary 36-year award-winning career in journalism as he was gripped by the incurable disabling condition Hereditary Spastic Paraplegia (HSP), have been released in a major new book ‘A GOOD STORY’. Order the book now!